A belligerent quest

My continuous missteps,
taking me on a belligerent quest,
of taking inventory of this mess I have left that I severely deteste,
crashing into shore like a beaten and battered shipwreck,
oblivious to what is going on around me,
can hardly see,
can hardly breathe,
just send me back out to sea,
so the waves can shatter me,
I'm stoked,
but I'm stoned,
I'm happy but I'm cold,
never doing what I'm told,
just allowing frustration to continuously unfold,
this misery is seemingly the only thing I got,
I've unlearned everything I've been taught,
I've sought,
peace,
but inside fear it rots,
on second thought,
I think I'm doing this myself,
no more do these words seem to help,
lost in my mind,
my soul is letting go,
stuck on the wrong side of this one way window,
pain,
of this dark gloomy day,
I need to stay,
in positivity,
but I continuously feel betrayed,
I hate feeling this way,
so I take it day to day,
biding my time praying for the pain to go away.

Feeling like I want to run and hide,
from the skeletons in my closet that are still alive,
deliberately haunting me,
tearing down my protective borders,
dropping the entire weight of the world on my shoulders,
screaming yet silent,
lucid but violent,
laughing but crying,
completely vacant and empty inside but I keep on smiling,
lying,
I'm telling fiction stories in my head,
false pretenses and deception I'm being spoonfed,
so as I try to wake up from this depressive slumber,
I reflect on recent times and continue to wonder,
why I feel so stuck,
like trudging through a swamp,
uninvited feelings of loss corrupting my thoughts,
my feelings are awash,
inside confusion I am caught,
nothing is happening
despite all of my positive intentions,
I've given up everything,
made numerous concessions,
perhaps this is a lesson,
but one with nothing to be learnt,
it hurts that nothing needs to trigger me to feel my very worst,
in a perpetual trap,
my patience is wearing thin,
my life is half over,
but it still needs to begin.

Some might think that I'm acting unresponsive,
but the blank stare on my face is from having lost it,
everything is so distant and unclear,
step back away from the hopelessness you see in the mirror,
I'm sick and tired of feeling so alone,
the foliage of lonliness is completely overgrown,
often I feel that I'll forever be in pain,
living out my days,
in torture's disdain,
I know that I'm of love,
but sometimes it's not enough,
to keep me from buckling under pressure and from sorrow being crushed.
It comes and goes you see,
feeling like bitter defeat,
it's like fighting off a disease so it doesn't get the best of me,
so please,
accept me for who I am,
I don't feel this way on purpose,
and I'd change it if I can.

© Steve Bertrand aka. stevieb 20110906