Day at the office

Doing paperwork in the office,
and a fine girl walks in,
I lose my attention span,
and give her a grin,

just when I thought,
things couldn't be better,
my shirt sleeve gets caught,
in the damned paper shredder.

I tried to downplay it,
amidst all the grinding,
but the next thing I know,
in goes my tie.

If I had my street clothes on,
things wouldn't be this way,
but regardless of my situation,
I'll still ask for a date.

My boss comes by,
and hands me my paycheque,
oblivious in this shredder,
I'm stuck up to my neck.

I tear off the tie,
and rip off my shirt,
I get up from my chair,
and begin to flirt.

So I go to schedule,
the date on the pc,
but suddenly hardcore porn,
appears on the screen.

I tried to brush it off,
like it didn't even happen,
but then my vaseline,
fell out of the cabinet.

The workday is over,
walking down the corridor,
but she trips and falls,
over an extention cord.

Her wig falls off,
and her dress exposes her thighs,
oh my God!
this girl's a guy!

© Steve Bertrand aka. stevieb 20110910

Houston, we have a problem

This is space shuttle nine, calling back to Houston,
we've got problems up here, and they are condusive,
of mass confusion, we need a solution,
we're melting down in a nuclear fusion,
our seatbelts don't work, and nothing is stowed,
there's a fire on board, and oxygen is low,
we can't see out the windows, and everyone is fighting,
and oh my God! we just got struck by lightning,
we've been boarded by aliens, and they've taken control,
they're flying the ship backwards towards a black hole,
we just hit the moon and knocked it out of orbit,
as it floated into space, the sun completely scortched it,
I don't think much more can happen today,
other than the change of gravity causing tidal waves,
Cape Canaveral just disappeared off the map,
and the New York flooding is being blamed on terrorist attacks.

Shuttle nine, this is Houston, do you read,
we don't know what to do, we're all high on weed,
with all of those problems, you're completely doomed,
let us know how you make out, it's all up to you,
oh, a few more things for when you get back,
the landing gear is broken, and parachutes aren't packed,
so upon re-entry, you're all going to die,
we've given up hope, and we've all stopped trying,
your families are here, but they're passed out drunk,
but they told me to tell you that they send their love,
well, there's one more thing that you should know,
we could have helped, but the engineer was asleep at the controls,
even before you left, we knew there was something wrong,
this is Houston, our final time, signing off.

© Steve Bertrand aka. stevieb 20110908

No love

She left her door open, and what did I see? a chainsaw wielding husband, running at me.
I screamed, dropped my bag, and made a dash for the door,
but I tripped, smashed my head, and landed on the floor.
I scrambled up,
as the smell of gas filled the air,
I did a double take for my bag, but didn't fuckin' care.
My heart is racing, for an escape I'm tryin' to find,
a dive through a window fell short, because of the fear in my eyes.
I tried to plead with him... yo! man, I only wanted to have sex,
you're so damn ugly, I'm surprised she hasn't left you yet.
By this time I'm panicked, hanging off a chandelier,"fuck man I'm sorry! I didn't know you'd be here!
look man, nothin' happened, nothin' at all today,
at least you don't even know about the last fourty days!"

---
It's not my fault she loves me a lot more than you,
I treat her better, and I'm more fun than you too.
At least that's all I've done, well actually, there's your sister,
and your Mom as well, but at least I only kissed her.
Take a look in the mirror, and see where you've gone wrong,
so you don't end up on the shitty side of this song.
---

Walking in a park, and this girl comes on strong,
"I don't even know you, don't you think this is wrong?"
She lifted up her shirt, and up her skirt she put my hand,
"come on little cutie, you'd be good at this dance".
I went along with it, as I was getting excited,
and the look on her face told me she was pleasantly delighted.
I pick this girl up, and carry her to her car, by now we have no clothes on,
they're thrown all over the park.
We're getting it on in the back seat, and all seems good,
steam covers the windows, so I can't see very good.
Then the car window smashes, and I get dragged out by my feet,
and a deep voice says
"that's my daughter, and I'm the chief of police!"

---
It's not my fault she loves me a lot more than you,
I treat her better, and I'm more fun than you too.
At least that's all I've done, well actually, there's your sister,
and your Mom as well, but at least I only kissed her.
Take a look in the mirror, and see where you've gone wrong,
so you don't end up on the shitty side of this song.
---

I'm at this bar with my crew, chillin' over a few pints,
discussing where we'll hit up graffiti later this night.
Then my homie taps my shoulder and says "man that girl's being flirtatious,
she wants you pretty bad, so take it and don't paint with us".
I thought yeah, know what? I could use a little fun,
so I took her and her two friends and jumped in the cab of my truck.
We got to her place, and I thought, yeah, this'll be alright,
this'll be a dope place to stay for the night.
But then, out of the blue, these girls gave an evil stare,
one tried to hold me, while another pulled my hair.
I tried to scream, but one stuffed panties in my mouth,
all I could think of was how my graff crew was making out.
Then one held down my arms, and one sat on my legs,
this wasn't enjoyable, I started to fuckin' pray.
That's when hell broke loose, out came the chains and whips,
I mumbled the best I could, that I'm not into this fuckin' shit.
Because of my stupid tolerance, their drugs never took effect,
I wish they did, because I was afraid of what comes next.
I tried to settle down, it's not as bad as I thought it was,
but then the third girl, pulled out a fuckin' gun.
I thought great, this is now the end, if I can get out of this nightmare,
I'll only have sex with my friends.
I've learnt my lesson, I swear that I have!,
the next time this happens,
I'll just go with the boys painting graff.

© Steve Bertrand aka. stevieb 20110806