A child inside

I'm a child inside due to a childless past,
time to grow up,
and do it fast,
I'm an obsessive posessor on insanity's border,
of pain and despair I've been a collective hoarder,
is it a disorder?,
or something I can work through?,
I've always felt screwed,
I can't prove with intent that I've have had the power to choose,
I've been abused,
but it's something nobody can see,
because I've believed my secrets should be kept inside of me,
indeed,
I've been inprisoned in my own self cataclysm,
it's because I've chosen not to make different decisions,
but it's time to move forward,
get up and move on,
grief is like a ghost,
I can accept it and make it gone,
I'm not wrong for not accepting any help,
it's only because I wasn't listening to myself,
with the pain I've been dealt,
by my own hands,
leaving permanent internal welts,
pass me the scalpul,
I need to perform surgery,
remove this psychological cancer before I allow it to murder me,
I've lived through hell,
so I know I can survive,
but I must disassociate from the past to fully become alive.

© Steve Bertrand aka. stevieb 20111115

Depressive monotony

Abandonment issues has got me in depressive monotony,
I was let out of prison early cause they didn't even want me,
like a sliding window each and every day,
one day I'm happy, the next I'm depraved.

There's not a drug on the market that helps with these symptoms,
I have so many feelings of hurt, I couldn't even list them.
Insecurities abound, I'm incapable of feeling love,
I want to be my free floating self, but I'm stuck in the mud.

Jealousy and fear encompassed by crying and despair,
then anger and rage, until I pull out my hair.
It is something that I can't just turn off,
sometimes about myself I just don't give a fuck.

There is so much agony, I just can't get it out,
like having your throat cut, then trying to shout,
some days I wish I didn't have to fight this disease,
other days I wish that God would just take me.

© Steve Bertrand aka. stevieb 20110912

I do it with love

Fighting off torture and pain,
trying to change my ways,
I'm going through identity crisis,
and I'll never be the same,
or insane,
I just poke fun at myself,
I can't help,
holding the cards that I've been dealt,
but I've felt,
periods of relief,
I've got to stand for me,
and continue to believe,
that I have worth,
and I have purpose in my birth,
these words from my pen prove that I belong on this earth,
dirt, I'm sick of my face in the sand,
I'm going to stand up proudly,
and keep hope instead of making demands.

I hurt, just like everyone else,
but I'm not afraid to push when I get shoved,
enough, I got somethin' to say,
I feel comfort when I'm in graffiti soaked alleyways,
and train bridges,
because they deliver a sense of peace and moments of forgiveness,
sickness,
I don't believe that I am,
the bipolar chastized retard that can't get up again,
man,
do I ever get up,
I master every craft I touch, and I do it with love.
I'm rough,
a little around the edges,
but there are the relentless and pretentious,
who classify me as one of my sentences,
but alas,
I continue to speak,
and will forever do so, as long as I breathe,
this is me, stevieb, did you think I'd give up?,
you can put me down, but I won't drown,
and prove I can love,
from above, like everyone else,
I was born with spiritual gifts,
just because you can't find yours,
doesn't mean on me you can spit.

© Steve Bertrand aka. stevieb 20110907

A belligerent quest

My continuous missteps,
taking me on a belligerent quest,
of taking inventory of this mess I have left that I severely deteste,
crashing into shore like a beaten and battered shipwreck,
oblivious to what is going on around me,
can hardly see,
can hardly breathe,
just send me back out to sea,
so the waves can shatter me,
I'm stoked,
but I'm stoned,
I'm happy but I'm cold,
never doing what I'm told,
just allowing frustration to continuously unfold,
this misery is seemingly the only thing I got,
I've unlearned everything I've been taught,
I've sought,
peace,
but inside fear it rots,
on second thought,
I think I'm doing this myself,
no more do these words seem to help,
lost in my mind,
my soul is letting go,
stuck on the wrong side of this one way window,
pain,
of this dark gloomy day,
I need to stay,
in positivity,
but I continuously feel betrayed,
I hate feeling this way,
so I take it day to day,
biding my time praying for the pain to go away.

Feeling like I want to run and hide,
from the skeletons in my closet that are still alive,
deliberately haunting me,
tearing down my protective borders,
dropping the entire weight of the world on my shoulders,
screaming yet silent,
lucid but violent,
laughing but crying,
completely vacant and empty inside but I keep on smiling,
lying,
I'm telling fiction stories in my head,
false pretenses and deception I'm being spoonfed,
so as I try to wake up from this depressive slumber,
I reflect on recent times and continue to wonder,
why I feel so stuck,
like trudging through a swamp,
uninvited feelings of loss corrupting my thoughts,
my feelings are awash,
inside confusion I am caught,
nothing is happening
despite all of my positive intentions,
I've given up everything,
made numerous concessions,
perhaps this is a lesson,
but one with nothing to be learnt,
it hurts that nothing needs to trigger me to feel my very worst,
in a perpetual trap,
my patience is wearing thin,
my life is half over,
but it still needs to begin.

Some might think that I'm acting unresponsive,
but the blank stare on my face is from having lost it,
everything is so distant and unclear,
step back away from the hopelessness you see in the mirror,
I'm sick and tired of feeling so alone,
the foliage of lonliness is completely overgrown,
often I feel that I'll forever be in pain,
living out my days,
in torture's disdain,
I know that I'm of love,
but sometimes it's not enough,
to keep me from buckling under pressure and from sorrow being crushed.
It comes and goes you see,
feeling like bitter defeat,
it's like fighting off a disease so it doesn't get the best of me,
so please,
accept me for who I am,
I don't feel this way on purpose,
and I'd change it if I can.

© Steve Bertrand aka. stevieb 20110906